Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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