So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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