Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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