Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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