I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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