There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
