he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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