Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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