You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
