Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
