Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
