Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
