I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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