I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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