brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
