I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
There are leaves in my underwear?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
