i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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