So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
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