Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
