Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
