Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
