Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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