So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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