Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
