My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
