no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
