i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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