sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
