They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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