with your own penis?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
