im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
