Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
