and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
