my phone needs a breathalizer
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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