I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
