I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I think my fart just growled at me.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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