I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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