WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
