Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
