The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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