this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
