i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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