birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
