So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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