totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
