Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
