Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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