I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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