I accidentally had phone sex last night
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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