I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
