i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
