any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
